In the Withered Winter Coquetry

"Never fuck yourself with cold palms."

I can still hear those words of motherly wisdom, echoing in my brain everytime titillation is on the rise. What's worse is, even though the slogan still runs true, I never remember my mittens.

We were on the run from LEO when Pauly Shore decided to start chucking things out the window. We called him that because he had an abnormal amount of comedic potential, but tended to just annoy us. Anyway, we were going down 518 when suddenly Pauly told me to shove off to the left. Now, where I come from, shoving off to the left meant buttering the little brain boy, whereas shoving off to the right meant prickling the pubic proprietor. So, I preceeded to shove off to the left, which made Pauly disgusted and appauled.

"It's not my fault," I tried to tell him. "I always respond instantly to the things people tell me to do."

So when Bobby Sue Mulligan told me to suck an egg in 7th grade, I pulled off her dandelion skirt and tried to suck me an egg. I didn't know, at the time, that such things were frowned upon. This caused my mother to give me more advise:

"Rick's a quick lick away from getting his nick shpricked."

Unfortunately, savage incontinents carried off mother before she could explain what shpricking was.