In one of the most awe inspiring days of my life, I met a man who has brought art, creation, and the ability watch perfection to the world. He was trying on shoes at The Shoe Department when it happened. I grabbed a pair of Asics, he a pair of Keds. Our hands went for the same shoe size thingy and we struck up a conversation from there.
"I haven't used one of these things for years," he said.
"Me neither, why...I don't think my feet have grown since I was 17," was my reply.
"Well you go ahead and see what size you are. I think there's another one on the next bench."
"NAHHHH...shucks mister. I was always taught to respect my elders. You put your dirty feet on it first."
"You sir, just earned yourself a free lunch at the food court."
For the next three hours we sat at the food court eating corn dogs and talking. I felt like an 7-year old talking to He-Man in 1983, like this guy was a superhero who could fuck any bitch he wanted to, even though he wore Keds.
What really held the conversation was the fact that he invented the transparent toaster oven. I had loved Eggo waffles since I had teeth. I began making them when I was 4 on my own. At age 7 I was making over-easy eggs and dipping them in toast. However, it wasn't until my 15th birthday that I got a transparent toaster oven. From this moment on, my toast, waffles, bagels, and mice were never under or overcooked. I could watch my toast toast! My fascination made my newly grown asshairs straight and curly second by second. It felt good.
The very coolest thing I can say about my life is that I developed a secret handshake with the guy who invented the transparent toaster oven. The second coolest thing I can say? I won a years supply of creamy corn when I entered the county fair's 50/50 two summers ago, God Damnit anyway!
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I truly doubt there is anything finer then watching toast toast. I've actually tried to toast to toasting toast, but I was mugged and left bleeding in a coat room. Ever since then, I've strayed from toasters and toaster ovens.
ReplyDeleteUntil now.
I can proudly say that you, gentle sir, provide the reasons to rummage through Big Lots again, to find that device that provides that perfect bread burning texture. As my 40-year-old retarted cousins says, "I wike mine wif gwape jewwy!"
But I must admit, and tell you forth-right, what the fucking fucks is you doing, prancing around with Asics on your bedazzled weeble washers? If you want real sole power, gotta fucks with the BK Knights, punk!